The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? ....Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his Tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. ...Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "seek his face." Your face, Lord, I will seek. Teach me your way O Lord, lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. I am sill confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. excepts from Psalm 27
Personally, September has been a drag. There has been loads of blessing and laughter but personally, it has been a wad of tension. Something was wrong on the inside and I knew it. By inside I mean literally the inside not some metaphor for my soul spirit or emotional center or whatnot. The same ole things were not doing their same ole thing.
My first response. Denial. Denial is such a sweet liar. Really. It offers such compelling comfort in the form of distraction and rationalization--and as time marches forward and the problem grows, the fake escape hatch of denial keeps lurking around. Maybe today I will feel better, "it" will go away. As with all denial, "it" not only stayed but made "it's" presence more known and more felt.
Next: seek comfort from hubby JR who, as noted in earlier posts has an abundance of logic and pragmatism. "Call a doctor and relax," he says, "when you hear galloping behind you think horses not zebras."
I smiled and stared. Not relaxed.
Well in JR's advice was truth and it was truth in love, but it did not comfort because it was not the answer I wanted.
Next: waiting in the doctor's office reading my Twitter feed--it occurs to me you are now concerned for my sanity when I confess to denial and having a Twitter feed within the same story. Anyway, someone posted a quote from Rosa Parks on my feed: "I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear. Knowing what must be done does away with fear."
Well, there is truth in that, and a little comfort as I kicked denial to the curb.
Next: doctor M. such a kind and smart man, who has as a nurse Bonnie who is equally kind and smart. Took Dr. M all of 78 seconds to find the problem by looking at my blood work and my body. Verdict: a fibroid that is creating severe anemia.
I smiled and stared. Not relaxed.
In my defense, it's not easy to relax in an outfit made from paper towels.
I was trying to pretend I had quiet confidence. I failed. What I really thought was, well I have some form of abdominal cancer. I actually started to wonder what treatment for abdominal cancer will do to my schedule, my relationships. Who and how will I tell? Dr. M. actually sorta yelled at me...Carol, this is really what it is (not cancer, fibroid), stop spinning in other directions. I had not said anything but my staring must have spoken a lot. Dr. M says, "If it walks like a duck, quacks, ya know, like a duck, looks like a duck it's well a duck." I told you he was smart.
I smiled and asked him. How do you know it's a duck?
He smiled and reviewed what he saw in my tests/examination (actual facts) and then told me that in 18 years, he'd seen this exact thing a lot (actual experience), and never, not one deviation from my symptoms. He made it clear I was not going to be the first time he was wrong, he then announed we (he) will run a few more tests to confirm what he already knew-- that need to take some iron and come in for an ultra sound and we will look at some options to fix it. Dr. M, "I am not worried, you shouldn't either. STOP." All of that from my stare, and follow up duck question.
I smiled, left, called hubby who confirmed I am a duck on Web MD and then I went home to finish up Bible study. Not relaxed, but no longer a wad of tension either. Did you know that a sympton of iron deficiency is irritability--JR smiled at that.
Enter Psalm 27: fear, confidence, waiting and wanting the goodness of the Lord. In the lesson was a reference to God being iron for the soul--given my hours old diagnosis of significant iron deficiency, I thought much about the application of faith upon fear and trusting, leaning into to what I know and believe to be truth.
Spent a large chunk on time on study. I almost did not post this, until test scores were in and all was settled. Then it occured to me the truth of Psalm 27, the results don't matter to the outcome which is determined. I will seek the Lord, and in that is my confience.
I am not bold in my ability to manage this, but I am bold in the trust I have from faith. I hope for good news from Dr. M.'s office. I hope I continue to prove him right. I hope I am a duck. The truth of Psalm 27 and what I really hold onto says that even if it's zebras and geese behind me, I don't have to settle for denial or fear but I know, "he will keep me safe in his dwelling."
It may or may not be a season where that is tested, but I am bold in this--that when tested it's proven true--actual facts and experience.